All Silver Linings

Hello lovelies,

Long time no blog. As we all know, life gets in the way. Lately my life has been a series of continuous kicks in the face. My seemingly perfect relationship ended rather abrasively...(I lost a few close friends in that battle), I sadly lost two of my fur babies, and have been dealing with other family issues. Add to the mix my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety and you have a bloody nightmare.

My depression and anxiety have without a doubt been the worst they have ever been these last few months. After trying every dose going for the medication I was on at the time and adding extra anxiety medication, I finally put my foot down and saw a doctor who actually gave a fuck. During the appointment I didn't sugar-coat any of what I was experiencing. I, for the first time in months, was brutally honest with myself about just how much everything was affecting me.

He jumped right into action, creating a treatment plan for weaning me off my old meds, and starting me on a new class of drug that he hoped would actually work for me. His treatment plan included exercise, talking therapy and mindfulness. Bloody good doctor I think.

Coming off my old meds made me feel like I was actually going to die. If you've never stopped taking medication you are dependent on, you are lucky. It's along the same lines as going cold turkey from recreational drugs. I had hot and cold sweats, nausea, vomiting, cramps, joint aches... the list goes on.

Anyway, I'm veering rapidly off the course I had planned for this post.

The reason I wanted to write this was because, as a result of the shite time I've had lately, some super positive things have happened.

My closest friend Niall and his lovely girlfriend Emily sent me a little "Chin up" care package. The gift was really unexpected and so sweet. It was a little print with a positive message on, and a cute little pocket mirror designed by Anya Raczka. (Her instagram is Anya Raczka and her Etsy is anyaraczka.etsy.com if you want to check out her stuff. She's a very talented Sheffield-based artist.)

It was as I read the cute “feel less shit soon” note that Niall wrote to me that I had a really odd and quite out there thought...

Depression is the best blessing in my life.

I know that statement sounds bloody bonkers, but I really feel more and more that it is true.

When I look back at all the years I struggled with my depression throughout school and college I notice all the positive things it's lead me to. It all lead me to the place I am now.

Yes, University and my job add horrendous stress onto my mind and at least once a week I have a total meltdown where I want to quit it all and hibernate. Yes, it feels like I've accomplished nothing in life and that I'm always failing. Yes, it can make me miserable.

Yet my depression has given me the greatest gift and joy I have in my life. It's given me my friends and loved ones.

My mental health has plagued me for over half my life now, and these people I have 'collected' have stood by my side the entire time. It's weeded out those people who really weren't worth my time.

Yes, as it happened, I mourned the loss of their friendship - but looking back I see that they did nothing to enrich my life. Their negativity only dragged me down further.

The bottom line is this: Depression and Anxiety absolutely fucking suck. It's shit and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

But, and it's a big but - the effect depression has on those around you has brought me to the point where I'm really proud of all the people I'm privileged to call my friends.

They're the tits and every single one of them is a beautiful human being and without realising it they've changed my life completely.

And that makes me pretty damn happy.

That's all for this weird insight into my life.

See you soon

Iona xo

My Breast Cancer Scare

There is not a person on this planet that has not be touched by cancer, whether is be a relative, friend, colleague or neighbour. 

I myself have had several family members and friends who have had cancer sadly not all have them have made it. 

I've always been one to be as informed as I can be about my own risks from health issues. Yes I may be a bit on the curvy side but I don't think I live an unhealthy life. 

I don't; 

- Drink

-Smoke

-Eat meat

-Have dairy

-Do drugs

-Have a high fat diet

I like to think I avoid as much unhealthy crap as I can. As I write this I'm nomming on some dried cranberries. See I can do healthy.

Last October I noticed a sizable change in the size of my right breast. For those of you who don't know I am a professionally trained bra fitter. I know that size change can be related to natural hormonal changes due to menstruation. Therefore I didn't really give it much thought. Over the following months I noticed more changes my right breast felt much more solid and sore, it had no connection with my monthly period. 

Late December my breast became more painful and swollen, I noticed a rash and redness on my breast also. On my 22nd birthday in January I couldn't ignore the issue any longer, I spoke to my Aunt about her symptoms and warning signs of her Breast cancer. I made an appointment with my doctor and I felt physically sick. 

My beautiful and loving housemates also offered to be be with me  but I'm sure the doctors room couldn't fit all 6 of us in. 

When we went to the appointment my Doctor asked me about my breast health history and family history with cancer. After an breast examination he decided it was best to refer me the Breast Clinic here in Brighton for further investigation due to my breast having a marbled feel. 

My heart stopped. This was not how I expected it to go. I was hoping to be told I was being silly and it was just hormones or mastitis. The rash however was Pityriosis Rosea. I was told that I would be seen at the clinic within two weeks. 

The next two weeks of waiting for my appointment letter were horrific. I felt like I had a dark cloud looming over me and I was a ticking cancer time bomb. On the  17th day after my appointment with the doctor my anxiety levels were through the roof, I know that my exam performance had suffered as a result and I felt betrayed by my body that intimacy with with my then boyfriend was a huge no no. We barely even kissed. I decided enough was enough and I phoned the breast clinic. The lady told me my appointment had been sent out that very day because the Doctor had only just referred me through to them. 

Two weeks my Doctor had waited before he sent my referral letter. Two weeks!!

I was fuming, how could a Doctor be so cavalier about an issue as serious as Cancer?!

Nine days later I went to the clinic for my appointment. My then boyfriend wasn't  with me as he had flu and was throwing up all over the place so I went on my own. All the other ladies were much older than me and all had a friend or partner with them. I felt so alone and terrified. The clinics appointments were running an hour behind so it felt like I was waiting days to be seen. 

Finally a lovely lady came for me and we went through to the consultation room. Like my Doctor she asked me for a detailed history of what lead me to being referred and for my family history, we then went through for an examination. She was so lovely and kind she could tell I was scared so she distracted m with general chatter and commented on my hair colour how she loved the purple. After everything was checked and done we met again in the consultation room and she said that I was in the clear. 

There were no signs of cancer, due to my rather bad acne on my chest I had some deep cysts in the breast tissue one of which had become inflamed and infected. The breast growth was due to hormones and sadly I would have to become accustom to have double F boobs. 

I just lept up and hugged her there and then. I felt like I could actually breath again and the dark cloud was gone. She told me that once I turned 40 I would need regular mammograms, I had to be more vigilant with my breast checks and if I noticed a change in the future not to leave it four months before going to the doctor as I am high risk for Breast cancer in the future.

At 22 facing the possibility of breast cancer is terrifying. At any age it is terrifying. I was lucky I had support from my loved ones. I was lucky that I didn't have cancer. I was foolish in not taking the changes in my breasts seriously and leaving it so long. If I did have cancer those 4 months I waited would have made a huge difference in my fight. 

Please ladies and gents, check your breasts, go to the Doctor as soon as you notice anything. 

15976660403545https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/15976660

403545

If you have any concerns go to the website above. It was a huge help to me. Keep yourself informed and keep yourself safe.

Thanks for reading this long long story my lovelies

Iona xo

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Things Are Coming Up Milhouse

Hello my Lovelies........ This picture captures a wild best friend.

.....This best friend is in natural habitat. Have food and tea with her bestest most loved friend in the entire world who is totally awesome.

               ...... Big hint that bestest of friends is me. I'm just that awesome.

My best friend featured above is Claudia. She's pretty great.

As per with best friends we have lots of fun and sillyness and lovely times.

This past year she's be off gallivanting about Europe learning stuff and speaking in foreign languages. I hear it's hard work but it all looks like a lot of fun and exploring to me. Thankfully much to our happiness and sanity she will be returning to old blighty in just 11 days!!!!! I've been missing her like crazy and I couldn't wait for her to come visit Brighton in the summer and see it in all it's glory. Beach, sea, piers the lot.  Today we had a quick skype session ( just over an hour) during which my gherkin had a mad idea. We were discussing money and jobs as we are both now legit adults we have serious conversations. Claudia was planning on finding a job in wales and spending the summer with her family have a jolly good time whilst at it. I was planning on getting a second job to save myself from a financial pit of despair.

During this rather depressing conversation where we realise neither of us have the money to see each other over the holidays, Claud just says, "I wish I could live in Brighton with you!" Clearly we have both completely lost the plot because I tell her why the heck not. Just get a summer job here and move in.

A few hours, a chat with the parents and a few job applications later it's official.
Should she get a job which she will. My gherkin is going to be living with me fore the summer!!!!

Even just a few days ago with the beautiful weather summer was making me feel awful. All of my housemates have gone home for the summer and I was going to be suck here the whole summer completely alone.  With next to no money and no company. Summer was as depressing as being here alone for the Christmas holidays.

Any who enough depressing talk.
This may be my most boring blog post yet but I'm essentially trying to tell you all to enjoy your summer, see your friends, try something new ( as long as it's legal) and don't let the bastards grind you down.
Happiness is round the corner you just need your best friend.

Iona xoxo

My Birthday Weekend and Kawaii Tattoos

Hello my lovelies,

This weekend just past I made the huge leap from 20 to 21!!!

Thus my survival of another year deserved nothing but the most stupendous of celebrations. Armed with determination and my best friend Niall I planned the most amazing of four day weekends.

Because I am so lucky Niall booked time off work so he could stay with me from Thursday till Sunday. This created the biggest birthday weekend of my life. 

Since it was my 21st I felt this was only fair.

Day one was Thursday I set off in the morning to get the train to London to meet Niall there. After a quick Pret and Starbucks stop we hopped in the tube to Oxford Street for a little shopping spree basically just Topshop for some new Joni jeans I also bought some cute socks, necklace and ring.

Then I bought the all important birthday Tiara from Claire's accessories. 

After those important purchases were made Niall and I headed off to Charring Cross to have a nosey around Trafalgar Square which was just beautiful in the dark with all the statues up-lit.

True I'm not the best photographer but you get the idea. We were headed to the National Portrait Gallery to see the Grayson Perry exhibit. Grayson Perry is one of mine and Niall's favourite artists. 

The exhibit is called 'Who are you?' and it's done in collaboration with the Channel 4 program he was involved with. It seemed the birthday gods were smiling on me that day because Grayson Perry was actually there leading a tour so we got to see him. However the tour was private and required a ticket so we couldn't jump in on that action.

The exhibit was beautiful and the way he managed to present some hard hitting topics was inspiring. His talent is a rare and resplendent one.

When we left the gallery after a very brief  wander through the gift shop we found ourselves in Covent Garden where we decided to stop at a pub called Punch and Judy. The pub itself was quite cute and the prices for the area were really good however they only served Gordon's gin. How a pub can only carry one brand of Gin is beyond me. However that is a rant for another time.

Niall and I then headed home and went of a studenty night out with me in my tiara.

Friday was Laines day. Niall and I explored the many vintage and record shops that Brighton had to offer. We ventured into many shops I'd seen but hadn't ever been in to. I felt like the worst tour guide ever. However Niall being the lovely gentleman he his he thoroughly enjoyed his day.

Food is a big part of mine and Niall's time together so we had to find a nice place to stop for some foor. we found a cute cafe in the Laines called Nest......
     ...... if you ever are in the area I highly recommend it.....

......Look at Niall all handsome and purdy

Yummy toasted sandwich

Niall also got a scrummy giant Oreo. 

Niall bought a new record and a book. Sadly that meant we went to a bookshop which means I bought several books. I have a somewhat unhealthy book addiction...... Scratch that all book addictions are healthy. More people should read.

The next day dawned bright and early.... 10am is early right?

The best birthdays start with making up to open presents with your best friend from all you best people.  My Gherkin Claudia was especially generous.

......By the time Niall and I got the train to London I had been well and truly spoilt. I was enjoying my vastly healthy pre breakfast of Macaroons from Julien Plumart Patisserie. I had never had macaroons before but my oh my were they worth the wait. The were like mouthfuls of heaven. I got two macaroons; Berries and Violet and Raspberry chocolate.

My amazing friend Bex knows me so well as she sent me a Starbucks Giftcard to help fuel my addiction. I decided it was only right to get a venti Chai Latte with no water and a shot of Pumpkin Spice. My beautiful friend Ella who works at my bucks was so cute when she made my drink.

When we finally arrived at Brick Lane to go to the Cereal Killer Cafe (cerealkillercafe.co.uk) my face fell. The line was huge. I was worried we would never make it in time for my tattoo. However the birthday gods were smiling upon me. We got in within 10 maybe 15 minutes of arrival.

Walking through the doors was like entering a real life childhood dream. I genuinely lost my shit. The vintage cereal boxes were enough to excite any of you other 90s babes out there. The Addams family one got me especially excited. To be perfectly honest I hadn't decided what I wanted until the last second. I went for a colourful magical madness with party rings and strawberry milk. 

To top things off the lovely gang a ckc played the Happy Birthday Lisa song for me and gave me extra party rings. Sadly I can't promise this will happen to you when you go. I'm just super loveable.

Next we headed to my favourite Tattoo Studio, Jolie Rouge on Caledonian Road. Keely Rutherford Kawaii Queen had saved my birthday tattoo disaster with another artist. Really why I would consider anyone else to do my birthday tattoo was beyond me. 

On Halloween  Keely beautifully tattooed Brutus the Batcake on the back of my calf.....

.....Look at his cute face isn't he just Halloween Kawaii perfection. 

I'm not so ocd that things have to be matchy matchy symmetrical but a certain level of asymmetry matchyness is needed. I'm pretty sure not a single word of that makes sense to anyone but me. 

I can say with complete honesty that I trust Keely with my skin 100%. I didn't know what the design was going to be until the day. She knew I wanted creepy cute halloween Kawaii-ness to match Brutus. 

The resulting design was much better then I ever could have imagined, Cleo and Percival make a gorgeous addition to my left calf. 

Together I think they look stunning. Brutus has more dark tones whereas the brightness of Percival (the pumpkin) beautifully offsets againts Brutus. It's opposite matchyness.

I can't wait to add some colour background so they don't look so stark agains my pasty which skin with some more cute tats from Keely. I'm going to let her be responsible for the entire coverage of my calfs.  If you love Brutus, Cleo and Percival as much as I do seriously check out Keely's Instagram @keelyrutherford.

The horror and realisation of finally being a legit adult in every country hit me very suddenly. It could have been the post tattoo delirium setting in or my plain craziness but I had a sudden urge to buy a crap ton of stuff from the Disney Store. Sadly it was 5pm on a Saturday on Oxford Street. The place was heaving with snotty nosed screaming children getting their grubby mitts on my potential birthday treats.

That idea swiftly went out the window as I ran off to save myself from the swarm of cretins in the Store. My one last ditch at childhood would have to wait till I got home. That plan was then crapped on by the fact that the shop I work in had in fact replaced Brighton's Disney Store. I seriously could not catch a break with this aging thing.

Once my leg was full of kawaii matchyness I dashed back to Brighton for a family meal complete with my Uni family. To say people were generous was and over statement. I don't wish to divulge the presents my nearest and dearest got as they are all in my birthday vlog so I shan't bore you twice with the bragginess.

My 21st was everything I hoped it would be but also in some ways a huge disappointment. Everyone was so busy with exams and work that it was all rather a brief celebration and as always it was really bloody cold.

Luckily my mum loves me lots so much like the Queen I'm have a second birthday this year. A half birthday if you will in the summer with tea and scones and nibbles and pimms and gin and cake.

After all you only turn 21 once. Or in my case once and a half.

Ttfn my lovelies

Iona xo

p.s. Sorry this took me 6 months to write

p.p.s Follow Keely she's a mega babe and I love her <3

How Am I This Old Already?

Hello my Lovelies,

As of today it is 3 sleeps until my 21st Birthday. THREE DAYS!!!

Part of me is ridiculously scared at the thought of being an official adult in every country in the world. I feel like I should automatically become much more sophisticated and responsible. Yet somehow I very much doubt that will be the case despite asking for a Rotary watch and a handbag......
Yes a real handbag!!

I always feel bad asking for presents worrying I'm asking for far too much. However society has mad become 21 this huge milestone birthday. Therefor it would be rude for me not to embrace it.

My best guy Niall is full on treating me and will be visiting from Thursday through til Sunday.

I shall be writing about our many adventures in London maybe even making a 'Day in The Life of' vlog for my Youtube.

My parents, sister and her boyfriend are also visiting, They've booked in at a nice hotel just outside Brighton and there is no way they would all fit in this little student house.

I'm just feeling really loved by how many caring and kind people I have around me. My home town is around 250 miles away from Brighton and it amazes me.

As usual in life there have been ups and downs recently with the stress and pressure of Uni work and exams becoming more real. Which is why my birthday being in January is both a blessing and a curse. My exams start 3 days after my birthday so I can have one last blow out to get rid of any stress and be refreshed for exams but also some people have finished them this week so they can celebrate finishing them by a good old party.

I've come a long way in a year. This time last year my depression was really bad, I'd quit my job, I had no money and was really struggling to stay positive at college. Now I have a job, I'm at uni I'm settling in making friends and joined my local Roller Derby team. Heck I've even been on my first date!!!! I never thought I'd be saying that.

I guess what I've come to realise is that shit really does get better. The cliches are cliches because they're true. So much can change in the space of a year. Remaining positive and working hard is the only way it will change for the better.

It's funny but the threat of turning 21 is making me feel all mature and like I have a new outlook on life. This disturbs me greatly so I'm off to have ice cream for breakfast and watch Adventure time.

Iona xoxo

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.....

Hello my Lovelies,
As I begin to write this post is is just 3 days till I finally get to go home. I have my shift today in about 9 hours (it's 2 am) then two days off then my shift on Christmas eve!!! After that I am free!

My train home is at 17:04 so I'm sure I shall write some sort of post then to make use of my time.

The past few days have been hectic so I'm continuing this post while on the train home.

The day has been one disaster after another. Rude customers at work, having to fight the queues to get my tickets for the train and then the train itself.

My first train from Brighton was, in usual British fashion, horrifically delayed. Normally I wouldn't mind but since I then missed my second train due to that delay I was rather miffed.

Therefore I am currently on the hour later train and having been up since 5:45am and it is now 21:09 The tiredness has well and truly set in.

Cliched as it may seem we are all culprits of end of year evaluations and reflections. Having been through many ups and downs in relationships of all forms this year I've been thinking on how we meet the people who genuinely matter and stick around in our lives.

Many will say through existing friends, work or education. I personally disagree. I find the best way you meet those who matter can be the most obscure and random.

Today on the first stint of my journey from London I met a guy and a girl who I clicked so well with, it was as if we are already friends. Yes I am aware that I'm piling on the cliches here.

Yet it's true. We had a wonderful chat and it made the tedious train journey all the more fun.

Is there a conventional way in which to meet people. Is there an acceptable forum upon which to make friends. In the digital age where finding future partners on dating sites and apps why is it seen as odd to make friends with people on trains. Yes the window  of interaction is short but you are meeting a real person. This enables you to gauge body language, idiolects, temperament and a great many number of things that are easily hidden on the internet.

People seem much more detached from actual human interaction content with mere screen to screen contact. I know people that go days without actually talking to another human being. It's that the scariest thought.

People go on and on about books and journalism being dying forms or communication yet the death of physical human interaction is being completely overlooked.
Being able to catch up with friends and family over the festive season is my favourite thing which is why every moment I'm not working this holiday I'm going to spend my time on the trains getting back home.

I've loved every moment of Christmas so far and have gotten so many thoughtful and amazing gifts I feel truly loved and blessed to have such amazing friends and family.

I hope all you lovelies have had a magical Christmas with those you love.

Iona xoxo

It's A Boy Girl Thing

Hello Lovelies,

As I have explained countless times I am currently studying at Brighton university, to those who know me or have already read my blogs this will be old and boring news. To you newbies I'm just bringing you up to speed.

In my last post I touched somewhat briefly upon relationships I had developed with classmates and housemates. Therefore I decided to continue upon that theme for this post. Be warned there is content in this post relating to sex and whatnot.

I'm sure you like me will have had some wild fantasy that University would come filled to the brim with kind, gentle and honest young men with very pure intentions. Many of my friends who went to uni at 18 have all found amazing boyfriends or girlfriends and are very much in happy long term relationships. 

Some of these friends much like me had no romantic relationships through out school so it was a very exciting prospect. Luckily none of my friends to my knowledge were lead on and used by anyone. Some found solid relationships and other enjoyed a more casual attachment. Neither is better than the other it's all down to personal preference and needs at that current time.

I would like to take a moment here to blame teen movies that portray University life as either finding your one true love on day one or as one massive orgy where there are no repercussions to sexual promiscuity (which I note that there shouldn't be).

As someone who has never been on a date let alone in a relationship I'm not overly comfortable with the whole casual sex thing. However not everyone else seems to get that.

I recently had my drink spiked in a night club which scares me for two reasons; one - someone wanted to take advantage of my vulnerable state for sexual gain or two - they thought it was a funny prank. 

Neither option restores my faith in humanity.

I'm realising more and more as my time at Uni goes on that people expect a level of sexual maturity among their peers. I'm currently 20 which is two years older than your stereotypical fresher, yet at 18 I couldn't imagine being as sexually active as a handful of freshers I've seen.

I know not all freshers are horny teens. However I'm beginning to feel as though it is what is expected. 

Maybe I'm just not meeting the right kind of people but I feel as though it's a bloody miracle that even one of my friends found a meaningful relationship let alone most of them.

I know I'm wildly generalising here based on my limited view on the situation based only on what I have personally experienced. Yet as far as I can see it's the truth.

I may very soon be taking all this back and see things in a very different way. I personally hope it happens sooner rather than later.

I find something that doesn't help is the stigma with the word 'Relationship'.
Having never had one myself I am by no means an expert in them, however I get the sense the word puts the fear of god into guys.

I'm constantly perplexed as to why the term makes boys run a mile. Is a relationship so bad? Do they genuinely think a relationship requires any extra effort then regular casual sex?

Maybe I'm just not cut out to be wanted for anything that requires the lights being on and conversation with real substance to it. Yes I am re-accounting my own somewhat embarrassing encounters here but I don't really have anywhere else to draw perspective from without having some rather awkward conversations with my friends.

Before posting this I did have a conversation with my friend Christy about this very topic. It was a good giggle and put my mind at ease. She says she would totally date me. Huzzah

We've all had those awkward drunken kisses and fumbles and that's all well and good. But is sex the be all and end all.

Maybe I just need to buck up my ideas, lie back and think of England. Or be patient and keep waiting and hope I one day be dateable.

Hopefully not before my best before date.

Haha I'm so very funny

Take care all more deep and exciting thought to come your way.

Iona xoxo